Back to Milano: A Continuation...

End of September. Beginning of Autumn. I've been back in Milano for a week now. Back into the swing of things. So, things have been going pretty well. I'm back in the same apartment I was in last semester- different room this time. Although I miss Piemonte dearly, there is still much to be said about life in Milano. I've reconnected with most of the people I got to know from last year- except for the ones who were here for only one semester. I've even had a few nights out that included Banana Peanut Butter Pancakes, late-night movies, cafe chats, strolls around the city from the Castello to the Duomo and a few places around and in between. The weather's been agreeable for the most part and as for my personal state, well, I would say a good deal has changed.
For the first time in my life, I feel whole. I'm not really sure I can describe it any other way. God has not only healed my heart, he has restored it and in ways I didn't even know it needed to be. I can wake up in the morning content and happy. No anxiety, fear, unbelief. And if there is any, I get that in check right away. Yes, God has done a new thing in my heart and all I can do is continually offer it up to Him. My soul yearns to know him and my heart desires to dwell in His presence. He is my life source. But it isn't just for me. God has blessed me to be a Blessing to others. When people ask about my summer, there is nothing to hide or hold back. And we can sit for hours talking about the Beauty and Loveliness of God.
I start my classes in a week now. I don't even know which ones I am going to take. But I will not worry. I will not fear. I don't have have to. I feel God has spoken to me that His work is not finished. And when I say that, I mean in a seasonal aspect. This season of Rest and Beauty He has showered on my soul apparently doesn't end with a train ride out of Vignale. There is more. I believe this. I trust Him.
So things are lovely now, Even the things that aren't so lovely do not put a damper on my spirit. I mean, who wants to be miserable anyway? I can say that I am curious. And expectant. Curious about what is to come; expectant that it will be something great. What do these last 3 months of my Italian venture hold? No clue. But I know who holds them. And that makes all the difference.

Some days Im not as on point as I'd like to be. Sometimes, I start out pretty good- go for a walk, do a little reading, pray, even eat healthy. Yes! I did it. I started my day right! Woohoo!... Now what?
Im sure its something that plagues quite a few of us at least every once in a while. I don't know why. Perhaps it's the weather- a dreary day's enough to take the fun out of anything. Or perhaps its boredom. For whatever reason, the result tends to be the same; Funk. Yes, sometimes we just wind up in a "funk" of sorts that we know that we'll get past at some point within the next 24 hours but... but well its annoying while you're there. Why am I writing this? Well, because Im in one, at least at the moment. I know it wont last, its not even noon yet. Life will pick itself back up and I'll be on my merry way. But it makes me wonder...while Im in this funk...what could I do? Hmm. Before life picks itself up and dusts itself off what could I do that perhaps I hadn't the chance to do before? Or perhaps one of those things that you always say you'll get to once you get the time and once the time comes you'd really rather do something else?

A word of encouragement...

Well, its been a week and 1 day since I last wrote. Since then, I've trained it back up to Milano to get my apartment keys and a few school things figured out, and I've come back to Piemonte. Its been a pretty neat week. I did a few drawings for some the guests we had here. One- the view of Vignale, and the other a bunch of roses growing against a wall. I know I should've taken pictures of the finished drawings but, I never got around to that. But I really enjoyed doing them.

I went for a lovely walk on Friday. I hadn't been going as often but on that particular day, once I stepped outside and felt the slight crispness of the soon to come Fall in the air, took in the brilliant rays of the sun, I just had to do it. So, I walked. And as I did I talked to God. And yes, He talked back to me. I said hello and asked how he was doing. Yes, I know exactly how that sounds. In return, he asked me the same. I told him. I continued to tell Jesus the things that were on my mind and on my heart. Funny. Seems no matter how much I try to down myself about something I felt I didn't do perfectly, or no matter how much I refuse to really congratulate myself on something that I did well, God always knows how to counter that. He steps in, and tells me how He thinks about Me and that particular situation. He always speaks kind, soothing words to my heart and I have no choice but to accept them because, well he's always right. Well as we, yes we, walked along, I brought this up to him. "Lord, why do you keep encouraging me and speaking well of me when clearly I neither deserve nor have I earned it?" He replied plainly "You don't encourage people because they deserve it, you encourage them because they need it." I couldn't say anything after that. I thought about that and realized, yeah, yeah that's true. The walk through the winding roads of the Italian countryside became that much sweeter because I was hanging out with my Dad and he was taking a walk with his little girl, his "Little Princess" as he calls me. Now, I know to many this sounds kind of funny and perhaps even a little crazy. Thing is, the truth often does. I've no qualms with that; the truth never fails in the end. Not only was that simple walk a blessing, it brought me joy and caused me to want to be a blessing to someone else. Thats the thing about joy, its infectious. Even since that particular moment, I've felt the presence of God much more personally and have experienced his presence a bit more "tangibly" as well. Thats another story. I will say though that, I'm not afraid. My life is about to change a bit and it won't be an easy one. Its one of those things where you could easily go into panic attacks and be anxious and worried all the time. But Im not. My Father told me I don't have to be. He's holding my hand, and he's always by my side. I think I'll just trust him instead.

Some days I have moments where I just stop, and realize the immensity of things. How vast and how wide the world, life is. And I realize how blessed I am. How many get to live their dreams? How many? Especially when they're dreams seem unattainable. When they're dreams are larger than life, or atleast their means for living.
And yet, Im living mine. And there's so much overflow I don't even know how to receive it.
I stepped outside this evening, while everyone else ate and enjoyed one another's company. My mind was a bit preoccupied. I stepped outside to view the world around me and just to absorb my life in light of recent events. Sometimes I wonder why God loves me so much. I'm not all that lovable. Honestly. Who is really. Anyway, I thought of this and just how in spite of myself He lavishes His love upon me; pours out on me like oil. Drenches me in Beauty. Makes life more than worth living. I stood out there and embraced the cool breeze, observed the beautiful landscape, listened to everything around me. I decided to draw. I drew the view of Vignale from the driveway of La Rocca. Perfect view. I'm doing it for one of the guests. I just thought and thought. Im leaving soon. Heading back to Milano for the next semester. Man I'm really gonna miss this place. I know Ill be back here like atleast every other weekend, but when the time finally comes for me to depart this, this peaceful haven, I think a little bit of me will stay here. A piece of my heart will never leave this place. I've never lived anywhere so beautiful and wonderful in my life. Its my second home now and they are my second family.
But I guess i can honestly say, Im ready. Ready for whatever comes. Whatever. I know who I am and I know whose I am. I'll just lay down any burdens that try to jump on my back. They're not mine to carry. I may be leaving this place, but it won't be leaving me. I'm walking into more good times, more struggles, more growth, more memories. More dreams coming true.
Yes. I'm ready.